My Body Journey
Over the years, I have fluctuated between big and small in size. Growing up I was so thin, you could see right through me. At both primary and secondary school, this was one of the reasons other girls had for teasing me. As hurtful as this was, the admiration I received under the male gaze(to be explored in another post) was enough to prevent me from hating my body. As I grew older and became more "slim-thick", I loved my body so much that my ego was through the roof. After I gave birth to my daughter, my body "snapped back" easily due to the exercise and healthy diet I had participated in while pregnant. After falling pregnant again(you can read what it was like losing this baby here), I gained a lot of fat, partly due to the fact that this pregnancy, being extremely difficult, rendered me practically bedridden. Unfortunately, my body did not bounce back the way it had after the previous pregnancy.
With much encouragement from my mom and my then boyfriend, I began an intense workout routine. While I was never able to regain my pre-pregnancy body, this helped to bring me back to a healthy place. In 2016, a work environment that involved working with food, candy, and alcohol daily, brought the pounds back. Fortunately, this same job was very physical, and included a lot of standing, walking, and lifting. The two combined to give me a butt you could bounce a quarter on, and an even bigger ego boost. In 2018 and beyond, several elements came together to ensure my body became bigger than it had ever been - eating my feelings of depression, increased appetite from the start of a new regimen of birth control, and of course lack of any significant physical activity.
The bigger I got, the more depressed I became, not only because of my self-perceived lack of beauty, but also because my body just felt so unhealthy. Looking in the mirror was a nightmare for me for a long time. If you follow me on social media you will be able to tell when the self-hate started, as this was when I started to post less and less photos of myself. I would take a selfie, and then decide against posting because I hated the way I looked. I would refuse to be in photos with others because in my eyes I was the fat, ugly one. Almost every few months I would say I was starting my health journey, and just as fast I would be back to the same old habits.
In 2020, I made the determination that this was the time for me to stop feeling sorry for myself, allowing my body and happiness to suffer. In the middle of May I started a workout routine, and decided to blog again, and re-focus on my goals. Not being a gym person(except for a brief 3 month stint years ago), I knew that in order to get the results I wanted, I would need to formulate a goal, a schedule, and stick to them both. This new schedule includes a daily workout of 1 and a half to two hours.
Working out every day is not an easy task, and I definitely have missed some days. But the progress I have seen in the past 3 months has been great. It's discouraging when I see someone and they still make comments like "you get real fat", even though I know that I have been working hard and seeing changes.
Sometimes it's the little things that count. In the past 3 months, I have had alcohol maybe three times(including my birthday) instead of almost every weekend, and have been eating healthier and in much smaller portions. I have also continued my workouts.
Everyone may not be able to see the difference because to you I still look "fat". But my body feels so much cleaner and healthier, I am less bloated, and I am feeling much better not only about my body, but about myself. I feel sexy again. When I look in the mirror and at photos from before and now, I see the disappearance of the back rolls, my tummy is flatter(not completely flat yet but getting there), my skin is healthier, and and so is my mind.
Even though the disparaging fat comments sometimes make me feel like giving up, the support from those closest to me, and the differences I have seen push me to keep moving forward. From here it's only upward and onward, not only physically, but also mentally.
This post is a part of that evolution. I have not written in so long because in my mind, I couldn't write well enough, no one cared enough, and it just didn't matter. But sitting down to write for the first time in so long, feels so freeing, and so amazing. Expect a lot more posts from the BWord in the near future.
My journey is in no way complete, but so far along the way I have learned to love, believe in, and trust myself, and that the only way change comes is through challenge and hard work. I don't expect nor desire to ever be stick thin again. I now prefer to be thick, and healthy. But I now also have a new love for myself, that no matter what size I am or become in the future, I know I am beautiful and so is my body.
With much encouragement from my mom and my then boyfriend, I began an intense workout routine. While I was never able to regain my pre-pregnancy body, this helped to bring me back to a healthy place. In 2016, a work environment that involved working with food, candy, and alcohol daily, brought the pounds back. Fortunately, this same job was very physical, and included a lot of standing, walking, and lifting. The two combined to give me a butt you could bounce a quarter on, and an even bigger ego boost. In 2018 and beyond, several elements came together to ensure my body became bigger than it had ever been - eating my feelings of depression, increased appetite from the start of a new regimen of birth control, and of course lack of any significant physical activity.
The bigger I got, the more depressed I became, not only because of my self-perceived lack of beauty, but also because my body just felt so unhealthy. Looking in the mirror was a nightmare for me for a long time. If you follow me on social media you will be able to tell when the self-hate started, as this was when I started to post less and less photos of myself. I would take a selfie, and then decide against posting because I hated the way I looked. I would refuse to be in photos with others because in my eyes I was the fat, ugly one. Almost every few months I would say I was starting my health journey, and just as fast I would be back to the same old habits.
In 2020, I made the determination that this was the time for me to stop feeling sorry for myself, allowing my body and happiness to suffer. In the middle of May I started a workout routine, and decided to blog again, and re-focus on my goals. Not being a gym person(except for a brief 3 month stint years ago), I knew that in order to get the results I wanted, I would need to formulate a goal, a schedule, and stick to them both. This new schedule includes a daily workout of 1 and a half to two hours.
Working out every day is not an easy task, and I definitely have missed some days. But the progress I have seen in the past 3 months has been great. It's discouraging when I see someone and they still make comments like "you get real fat", even though I know that I have been working hard and seeing changes.
Sometimes it's the little things that count. In the past 3 months, I have had alcohol maybe three times(including my birthday) instead of almost every weekend, and have been eating healthier and in much smaller portions. I have also continued my workouts.
Everyone may not be able to see the difference because to you I still look "fat". But my body feels so much cleaner and healthier, I am less bloated, and I am feeling much better not only about my body, but about myself. I feel sexy again. When I look in the mirror and at photos from before and now, I see the disappearance of the back rolls, my tummy is flatter(not completely flat yet but getting there), my skin is healthier, and and so is my mind.
Even though the disparaging fat comments sometimes make me feel like giving up, the support from those closest to me, and the differences I have seen push me to keep moving forward. From here it's only upward and onward, not only physically, but also mentally.
This post is a part of that evolution. I have not written in so long because in my mind, I couldn't write well enough, no one cared enough, and it just didn't matter. But sitting down to write for the first time in so long, feels so freeing, and so amazing. Expect a lot more posts from the BWord in the near future.
My journey is in no way complete, but so far along the way I have learned to love, believe in, and trust myself, and that the only way change comes is through challenge and hard work. I don't expect nor desire to ever be stick thin again. I now prefer to be thick, and healthy. But I now also have a new love for myself, that no matter what size I am or become in the future, I know I am beautiful and so is my body.
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| #feelingmyself |
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