What It Was Like For Me Losing a Baby

November 2013: In my very pregnant state I feel the need to go to the bathroom. While in the bathroom, I feel my water break. This can’t be right, I must be mistaken. Based on my last period I’m only four months into this so far difficult pregnancy.  The paternal grandmother of the baby insists I must be mistaken until i begin to bleed profusely. The baby’s father rushes home from work to take me to the emergency room.



Upon arrival at the Queen Elizabeth Hospital I am sent straight through the double doors no questions asked. I enter, in pain and confused, blood trailing behind me despite the maternity pad I am wearing. After a brief pause and many stares, several doctors rush to my side and take me to a private section of the ER. Here, is where I see my lifeless baby boy. One of the doctors tells me that based on his level of development I was at least six months pregnant. My then boyfriend and I cried in disbelief at the loss of this life who we never got to know.

When I had discovered my pregnancy months before I was happy. My then three year old daughter would have a sibling to grow up with and play with. We were all hoping for a boy. This pregnancy proved much more difficult than the first. My “morning sickness” was more severe, I was unable to continue my work outs as I had in my first pregnancy, I could barely move around, I seemed to be gaining weight much faster, and experienced severe acne.  Despite these difficulties, I saw it as a miracle, as my ob-gyn had diagnosed me with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome two years before, and had prepared me for the grim possibility that I may never have another child.

Losing my baby boy was losing a huge part of me, and I was never the same after. Suddenly everyone around me seemed to be pregnant or giving birth.  Despite everyone telling me to take as long as I needed to heal, I felt pressured to just move on,  and so I did. I pretended that everything was ok, when really I was broken. I felt alone in my pain.

And I was alone. He had to return to work, and I spent the days at home wallowing in my sorrow, until evening when I would collect my daughter from school. There was an emotional disconnect. I began evaluating my relationship and my life and allowed myself to accept that I hadn’t been happy for a long time.  By February, I had ended a toxic relationship and begun taking control of my life. I sometimes wonder if I would’ve had the strength to do this if I had not lost a baby.

I have never been pregnant since, and do not know if  I ever will be, but 6 years later I still think about my son and cry. My daughter constantly tells me she wants a brother, and asks me how old would her brother be if he had lived. Every time I see an article about losing a child, or hear about someone losing a child, it all comes flashing  back. You never forget the pain.

If I am to be honest the emotions connected with this can be confusing at times. On the one hand, the pain of losing a child is immense, while on the other hand, without this loss, I may still be in a toxic, unhappy situation.

As one who lives by the motto of no regrets, and who believes that every bad situation leads to something good, I prefer to look at it from the latter perspective. Science also says that cells from the fetus remain with the mother. Knowing that my child is literally a part of me forever is a great comfort.

Everyone has different experiences, and mine can in no way cover the experience of any other mother.  In essence, though, losing a child, was one of the most significant events in my life, with both positive and negative consequences. An experience I will never forget.

Have you lost a baby? What was your experience like? Talking can go a long way in these situations. Comment below or send me a private message if you want to talk about it.